Blake Lively is a vapid blonde stick figure

Courtney says...

Ok, so I feel like this needs clearing up once and for all. You obviously couldn't take the hint when we sat around a table at DOC full of Blake Lively haters (both male and female, all fervently against) as your text last night to inform me that you had somehow (drugs? mind manipulation?) coaxed another person to "admit" they liked Lively (BTW - her surname is antithetical to her personality) proved. So I will have to destroy your dreams in the very public (although I'm pretty sure we only have one reader) forum of our blog. Here goes.

 The argument against Blake Lively possessing any discerning characteristics is two-pronged. Firstly, her character in Gossip Girl is the most annoyingly priveleged, vapid piece of fashionising idiocy this side of Olivia Palmerno (don't even get me started). Secondly, her public appearances lead me to believe that not only is her character reflective of her actual personality, but her real-life personality is reflective of a fish - gawky, constantly surprised , a little too shiny, and the kicker, stupid. 

So to the first argument. Lively's character Serena on Gossip Girl is joke. Where to begin? How about the fact that she creates every single problem on the show, only to flick her hair and claim ignorance and naivity (thanks for ruining Nate Archibalds adolescence Serena). Or worse still, how she then attempts to correct these situations by inventing elaborate schemes to avoid responsibility.

I'll admit I watched the latest episode today - 'Easy J' and this anecdote sums Serena up perfectly.

Blair: "You've got last night's dress with today's shame written all over it." 

Serena: "Actually Blair, we just stayed up all night talking." Lies. To her best friend. And she's not even trashy in a funny way.

Ugh and the way she kind of spits her C-H's and elongates her E's. It's All.So.Gross. And OMG:

Serena: "The guy I slept with is now my teacher, but I really like him." 

Blair: "Keep it in office hours, not at his apartment." 

But Serena will invent an elaborate hair brained scheme that involves lots of lies and lots of tongue against palette elongated vowels:

Serena (to mystery man): "Relationships with faculty are strictly forbidden." 

Mystery man: "That didn't sound particularly convincing. So come to this party. I'm getting an Eligible Bachelor award." 

Serena: (*clicks palette*) "OK".

Now to the second problematic Lively incarnation: her actual self. This is a great little post from Go Fug Yourself to get things started:

Ah, Boobs Leglsy, I knew Blake's brain couldn't keep you repressed for long:

 

 

It's as though she has a split personality and one of the identities is governed by her thighs, which are pathologically unable to endure the kiss of fabric against them without an exit strategy in place. I'm almost surprised the skirt doesn't come rigged with an alarm and a fire escape. 

Touche, Go Fug Yourself, Touche. See what they're saying (because I know you're too blinded by your love for Lively to decipher their wit) is that Blake Lively is a vapid blonde stick figure. Who, is governed entirely by her body. Particularly the parts we don't really need to see, but she wants to show us. Also this dress is both disgusting and encompasses a brown leather bondage contraption we know she uses late at night on boyfriends to disguise the fact that she has nothing in her head worth saying out loud.

OK, next image:

 

So putting aside the fact that you're wearing a dress made out of stretchy tin foil that looks like it came from Supre circa 2003 and focusing more on what's going on with the animal you are utilizing as an accessory: it is actually quite a cute puppy for the kind of small, purse-dwelling canines I'm not usually a fan of, but the way she's holding it? Treating it like a piece of property? Matching it to her hair colour? It's probably stuck to that dress too. So un-humanitarian.

Next image. Honestly? Green doesn’t suit many people, but it certainly doesn’t suit people who’s personality reeks of the same smattering of jealousy, envy and rage that green represents. And that’s without even discussing the dress itself. It looks like Dobby the House Elf (Harry Potter) vomited a chintzy, cheap meal all over Lively, who not only thanked him for his services, but appropriated his hair and make-up techniques to create a beehive monstrocity that makes her head look both unnaturally large and unnaturally (this girl defies science) stupid.

There is a final anti-Lively strain that lies in the fact that she dates only her co-stars because she can't make intelligent conversation with anyone who tries to understand her as more than Serena, but I'm spent.

Pheuw. I am really glad my inner rage about Blake Lively is now down on paper or thereabouts. Sorry it took so long, had to research (read: watch Gossip Girl) track down the most representative of photos, and then wait for a quiet moment where I could really let loose. So this is what contentment feels like.